Office Clowns

Office/work life is a delicate balance. You are forced to inhabit a space with your co-workers for a big chunk of the day, and if they start doing stuff that drives you crazy it can feel like some sort of slow torture. Torture you can't avoid, unless you want to be unemployed.



Are you guys done poking my vital organs? We're going to be late for the staff meeting.

 When my frustration about a co-worker sharing my work space is about to boil over, I usually just to imagine what I would say if I knew there would be no repercussions. For example, about 30 seconds ago I imagined yelling the following at a co-worker: "Please stop screaming at your speaker phone! Just pick up the damn receiver and talk like a normal person, you nerd-peddler! You are so loud that they can hear you in space, and the astronauts just made the executive decision to crash into the sun to avoid having to listen to the grating sound of your voice!”



Well, then fucking play the keyboard louder, Kevin!
We need to find a way to drown out his screaming voice, or I'm going to lose it!

Now, I can't actually yell that at someone, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to (because while I am a grump, I am not a bitch...it's a narrow distinction). Usually it's enough to just think to myself that I would prefer that one co-worker stop sending me email forwards of kids saying the "darndest" things, or that another co-worker change out of his bike shorts before getting to the office. 

 

Just threw up in my mouth a little.



In reality, it is rare that I actually get to the point where I envision telling co-workers that they annoy me. I don't just sit at my desk all day stewing about how much I hate everybody. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm a fairly oblivious person in general, and I have developed the ability to tune out most of what is going on around me.




I'm basically just the lady reading the book in situations like this.

However, in my current temp job, neither my obliviousness nor my internal venting has allowed me to get a handle on the abrasiveness of one of my co-workers. I have never experienced anything quite like this before in my life, but this particular person is very fond of listening to one song over and over again for the entire work day. The song can vary from The Godfather theme song to Amy Winehouse’s Rehab. Sometimes he plays the same song two days in a row, and sometimes he will suddenly switch to another song in the middle of everything. But pretty much if he decides to play Diana Ross singing Baby Love from her album Live from Las Vegas first thing when he comes in, then you are going to hear that song for the next 8 hours.



It's like she's mocking my pain.

But really, so far, this doesn’t sound so bad. Like any normal person, I pop up my Pandora window and get on with my life, right? WRONG! This co-worker has a habit of singing the song he is playing on repeat at the same time. And he has excellent projection, if you catch my drift.



Let's just say he's cranked way past 11.

Even with the constant singing, I can normally get past his mayhem. But over the past few weeks, this co-worker has developed a new quirk and he's quickly introduced it in the workplace thunder-dome.

In addition to playing one song on repeat, and then singing along to it, he has started singing three or four note snippets of other songs. Basically, whenever he has to stop his regular music for any reason (like to make a phone call, or to walk down the hall), he sings a quick ditty to get him through the down time. First he sang a bit of the song Tammy, April Love over and over again for a couple of weeks. Literally, he just kept repeating the words “Tammy’s in love” again and again and again.  

I feel happy for you, Tammy, I really do. Now can we stop talking about it for five seconds?

Today he started singing the phrase “grandma the clown.”

I am not exactly positive where this ditty comes from. The only reference I can find is this. But let me tell you, hearing him repeat the words “grandma the clown” for the past 4 hours has not made today easy. Based on what I have heard so far, the song of origin for the snippet is probably a song called Grandma the Clown. It appears that Grandma the Clown is a simply short three note progression in a major key. After his beautiful staccato emphasis on “grandma” he pauses before saying “the clown. And then lovingly adds a little slide back down to the first note once he hits the word “clown”.


 

Why there is a song about a clown grandmother at all is still up for debate.

I’m having a little problem with this, to say the least. I found myself actually saying “stop, stop, stop.” out loud this morning at my desk by the time he had reached his 50^th repetition of the jingle. Since I don’t normally talk to myself out loud, I am a little concerned about whether or not I am psychologically capable of making it through the rest of the day. But I’m going to give it a shot.



Come in, Kevin....Kevin? Can you guys even hear me?
The only thing I'm picking up out here is some guy scream-singing about a clown!



xoxo

zuzu

Our Mom is Cuter than Your Mom

So, Zuzu, Dodo, and I (and our bro) still get holiday cards from our mom:
And, this is how she signs them:
[It says: "Dear Kleine Some bunny loves you Happy Easter From E. Bunny]
So, since we were kids, all mythical figures had terrible handwriting. My mom disguises her own handwriting, by writing out the messages with her left hand. I love so much that she still does this today. It's basically the cutest thing ever and you should be jealous.

The Crazy Chicken

Conversation I just had with myself in my head regarding a co-worker's lunch:

Me: What is that smell?? It smells really good...
me: i don't know what that is, but it smells like meat.
Me: Is that El Pollo Loco?
me: i don't think they have el pollo loco on the east coast.
Me: Except I swear I saw one in New Hampshire once.
me: quit making stuff up, self.
Me: Oh my god, that smells so good. That is definitely some sort flamed grilled chicken dish in there.
me: i am such a bad vegetarian.
Me: It's okay that I am liking the smell...it's not like I am eating it.
me: it's the same thing! it is the same! stop smelling it!
Me: I can't, it's everywhere!


xoxo
zuzu

Cable Has Ruined My Life

Dodo and Kleine can back me up on what I am about to share regarding my childhood: The limitations on media in our home growing up make the Chinese censors look like amateurs. We were never allowed to have video games, or cable tv, and by the time my mom allowed us to get the internet in the house, I was already in college.

On my way to Philosophy 101.

The tv shows we did watch had to be pre-approved (basically just the stuff on p.b.s.), or were snuck in during the golden hours while my mom was still at work. I'm positive this screwed me up, somehow. For example, while other people watched characters facing similar life choices and learned to identify with them, I had to learn to identify with some pretty weird things.

You guys got Joey Potter, and I got to project all my teen angst onto this guy.

Although I have been able to adapt to some media and technology quickly, I am sometimes reminded that I am incredibly stunted. For example, Bubble Bobble is the only video game I ever played prior to my senior year in college, and I only ever played it once or twice at my friend's house in 4th grade.

However, because it was the only video game I had ever played, Bubble Bobble became what I picture whenever other people talk about video games.

I'm pretty sure this is what Call of Duty looks like.

My foray into video games post-Bubble Bobble has not been very successful, and the only game I seem to have any ability at is "Erotic Photo Hunt" (aka Nudey Touch), which is basically just Bubble Bobble with naked ladies instead of dinosaurs.

Not that I'm complaining.

Unlike my strained relationship with video games, my relationship with tv is probably the other extreme end of the spectrum. I got cable for the first time in college. At the time I had mono and was basically too sick to leave my dorm room for about two months. Having cable was awesome. It was like magic... there were so many channels and stuff I wanted to watch was on all the time! Since then I have developed what I have to admit is a freakish devotion to television. I will watch almost anything at least once.

Seriously. Anything.

I am kind of like a goldfish, who will just eat and eat and eat whatever you put in its bowl until it gorges itself to death...except in my case, my bowl is my living room and I am eating repeat episodes of Cake Boss, and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I don't know if that metaphor works, but I am still recovering from the following:  I came home on Tuesday to find that our cable had been shut off because of some finagling with a previous roommate (A situation I will address only with the following NKOTB quote by Jordan Knight from the song The Right Stuff: "You know what you did.").

Friends, when I found this out, I lost it a little bit.


"I swear if Santana and Brittany kiss and I miss it, I will hold my breath until I pass out!" - Me, Tuesday.

 Anyway, the cable company (I won't say their name, but it rhymes with Bombast), said they couldn't reconnect it until SUNDAY!!! Luckily, when I called the next day to harrass them a little bit and see if they could come any earlier, they found a way to get someone to our apartment on Thursday morning. After 36 hours, our cable was reconnected. The whole ordeal made me wonder how I had become someone who would make more than one call to a cable company in order to get my service restored. My guess is that years of not getting to watch episodes of South Park along with everyone else in High School is somehow at fault. But somewhere between trying to figure out how to work a dvr for the first time, and watching the American Idol results show, I pretty much went back to not caring.

xoxo
zuzu

Song of the Week

Every year I scan the interwebs for articles about SXSW. I have never been to SXSW, I just kind of watch it from afar during math class, and stick love notes in its locker between class periods when no one is looking.

Even though I have never been to SXSW, I read about it a lot because with over 2,000 bands performing there each year, I am always bound to find something new to love. I gleaned several things from the articles I read this year:

1) I am old
2) I will never be cool enough to own a pair of skinny jeans
3) This band is great


Sample of a youtube comment for Typhoon: "I fell asleep with this song on and woke up with a beard." I feel that is pretty much spot on. I know it's long, but it is also worth it!

xoxo
zuzu

That smell be pheromone

Ok so there are a million cats that live around the neighborhood who fight constantly. There are also other critters like possums and raccoons around. This totally freaks my cat out -- now and then she smells/hears/sees something weird outside and freaks.

I found out about this cat pheromone thing you can stick in your wall and apparently make cats relax. It was moderately expensive, but we'll see if it has a profound effect on the cat or not. So far so good.

Here's hopin'.

Sigh

Ok I really suck at blogging, clearly. I'm finishing a book of poems for my MFA program. The final draft is due next week. I vacillate between thinking I have to do a lot to accomplish this, and thinking I have to do little. Everyone tells me that I'll be working on this book for two years or something after I graduate. This is the last thing you want to hear when you have been living and breathing a project for almost 10 months. This is why I'm not a novelist (because they live and breathe projects for 10 YEARS). So it has been consuming my life, and will continue to consume my life until the end of the year, probably.

Anyway, so because I can't actually post something interesting, this just made me super happy today.