Office Clowns

Office/work life is a delicate balance. You are forced to inhabit a space with your co-workers for a big chunk of the day, and if they start doing stuff that drives you crazy it can feel like some sort of slow torture. Torture you can't avoid, unless you want to be unemployed.



Are you guys done poking my vital organs? We're going to be late for the staff meeting.

 When my frustration about a co-worker sharing my work space is about to boil over, I usually just to imagine what I would say if I knew there would be no repercussions. For example, about 30 seconds ago I imagined yelling the following at a co-worker: "Please stop screaming at your speaker phone! Just pick up the damn receiver and talk like a normal person, you nerd-peddler! You are so loud that they can hear you in space, and the astronauts just made the executive decision to crash into the sun to avoid having to listen to the grating sound of your voice!”



Well, then fucking play the keyboard louder, Kevin!
We need to find a way to drown out his screaming voice, or I'm going to lose it!

Now, I can't actually yell that at someone, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to (because while I am a grump, I am not a bitch...it's a narrow distinction). Usually it's enough to just think to myself that I would prefer that one co-worker stop sending me email forwards of kids saying the "darndest" things, or that another co-worker change out of his bike shorts before getting to the office. 

 

Just threw up in my mouth a little.



In reality, it is rare that I actually get to the point where I envision telling co-workers that they annoy me. I don't just sit at my desk all day stewing about how much I hate everybody. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm a fairly oblivious person in general, and I have developed the ability to tune out most of what is going on around me.




I'm basically just the lady reading the book in situations like this.

However, in my current temp job, neither my obliviousness nor my internal venting has allowed me to get a handle on the abrasiveness of one of my co-workers. I have never experienced anything quite like this before in my life, but this particular person is very fond of listening to one song over and over again for the entire work day. The song can vary from The Godfather theme song to Amy Winehouse’s Rehab. Sometimes he plays the same song two days in a row, and sometimes he will suddenly switch to another song in the middle of everything. But pretty much if he decides to play Diana Ross singing Baby Love from her album Live from Las Vegas first thing when he comes in, then you are going to hear that song for the next 8 hours.



It's like she's mocking my pain.

But really, so far, this doesn’t sound so bad. Like any normal person, I pop up my Pandora window and get on with my life, right? WRONG! This co-worker has a habit of singing the song he is playing on repeat at the same time. And he has excellent projection, if you catch my drift.



Let's just say he's cranked way past 11.

Even with the constant singing, I can normally get past his mayhem. But over the past few weeks, this co-worker has developed a new quirk and he's quickly introduced it in the workplace thunder-dome.

In addition to playing one song on repeat, and then singing along to it, he has started singing three or four note snippets of other songs. Basically, whenever he has to stop his regular music for any reason (like to make a phone call, or to walk down the hall), he sings a quick ditty to get him through the down time. First he sang a bit of the song Tammy, April Love over and over again for a couple of weeks. Literally, he just kept repeating the words “Tammy’s in love” again and again and again.  

I feel happy for you, Tammy, I really do. Now can we stop talking about it for five seconds?

Today he started singing the phrase “grandma the clown.”

I am not exactly positive where this ditty comes from. The only reference I can find is this. But let me tell you, hearing him repeat the words “grandma the clown” for the past 4 hours has not made today easy. Based on what I have heard so far, the song of origin for the snippet is probably a song called Grandma the Clown. It appears that Grandma the Clown is a simply short three note progression in a major key. After his beautiful staccato emphasis on “grandma” he pauses before saying “the clown. And then lovingly adds a little slide back down to the first note once he hits the word “clown”.


 

Why there is a song about a clown grandmother at all is still up for debate.

I’m having a little problem with this, to say the least. I found myself actually saying “stop, stop, stop.” out loud this morning at my desk by the time he had reached his 50^th repetition of the jingle. Since I don’t normally talk to myself out loud, I am a little concerned about whether or not I am psychologically capable of making it through the rest of the day. But I’m going to give it a shot.



Come in, Kevin....Kevin? Can you guys even hear me?
The only thing I'm picking up out here is some guy scream-singing about a clown!



xoxo

zuzu