Just a Cog in the Evolution Machine

For those of you who read this (me), sorry we haven't been posting. [Yes... I just apologized to myself].

So, today was the day, in which I conquered an army of bugs. These little fuckers had wings and probably tiny machine guns...since they were an army and all, but I fought valiantly. It was like that one scene in that one movie with that one guy where he's fighting and stuff...except it was me versus a bunch of bugs, but it was just as epic.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning. I came home from work today with a serious need to pee. I pause momentarily in my room (the lights were off) to cast off my heels. I book it to the bathroom, taking off my clothes [this isn't a sexy post, I swear!] to get ready to work out and pee (I like to multitask). So, I'm in the bathroom, taking my much-anticipated pee, when I feel something crawl on my leg. I look down. No biggie, just a little fly-type thing. When I tried to Google image search this creature, I found terrifying things. So, I quickly halted the search. Here's my interpretation of said fly-type thing:

Despite the resemblance in this image, fly-type thing is of no relation to Gumby or any of his crew.

David Attenborough would probably call it "slightly accurate" (and by "slightly accurate" I mean "that's the worst fucking thing ever made, Kleine, stop emailing me this image asking what kind of fly it is. I don't have time for this, I'm a big deal.") Basically, fly-type thing was completely harmless, maybe half an inch long, brownish-black, with slight wings (that seemed to serve only as decoration).

Anywho, I simply flick fly-type thing off of my ankle and move on with my life. I get back to my room and turn on the light. But, on my way to my bedroom, I became increasingly focused on my fingernails. You see, I decided on Saturday that I needed to get them painted. I suppose I was trying to do this whole "feminine" thing, but soon enough the paint started to chip ever so slightly, despite my best efforts. So, I sit down on the bed, my skirt halfway off, and I am gleefully picking the polish off my nails...it's a cathartic pleasure.

As I am gathering flakes of pink polish off my nails, I notice one fly-type thing crawling on my bed. Again, no biggie. Just flick him off. I resume my nail cleansing using my teeth because I am classy and continue to get undressed to work out. I then notice another one and then my eyes magically learned how to work and shit. got. real.

My hair looks like that.

I abandon my animalistic removal of nail polish and frantically flick off fly-type things. With a surprising lack of forethought, I was astonished to see a shit ton of fly-type things on the floor of my bedroom.

At this point, I knew I needed to get it together and take care of business, or bidness, if you will. The thing is these fly-type things knew what they were doing. I'm sure this was a pre-planned attack. They probably all met together today, complaining about the heat (especially since they had to carry heavy, tiny machine guns... they are a fly-type army after all), and then they heard the beautiful A/C in my apartment blowing and assumed a military formation and just marched right on in. But, why me, of all the apartments with A/C in my building?

These fly-type things probably knew that I was a vegetarian for moral reasons and made the sadly mistaken assumption that I wouldn't fucking crush them. Let it be known to the animal kingdom that I do not care AT ALL, not one iota, about bugs, spiders, or any of that shit. SUPPOSEDLY, they all have an evolutionary purpose, but we are all rotting with global warming, so evolution isn't even working right anymore and more importantly they all look creepy. [That, right there, is a rock-solid argument. Richard Dawkins, I challenge you.]

I'll be honest, I didn't get it together immediately. There was a lot of flicking of fly-type things off of my bed and half-assed use of dry paper-towels. But, do not fear readers, Kleine got her shit together and got kind of sadistic with these fly-type things:

 
At a certain point, probably after seeing the source of the fly-type things coming from my window, I knew I needed to fully disrobe out of my work clothes, so I could get real surrious. So, I put on some low-quality clothing, knowing that this could get messy, as I was single handedly performing a mini-massacre. I put my hair in a tight bun (see above image) and planned my attack. It started out slow and sloppy. I grabbed some Clorox wipes and just wiped em out (bonus: my windows are slightly cleaner!). However, I did not have enough Clorox wipes to account for the population of fly-type things. I then began to use the left over Clorox juice (it's not juice) in the container and papertowels. But, alas, that could only last so long. And then I remembered about an old ass can of Raid I had in my evil possession. And I opened up that old ass can of Raid (AKA whoop-ass):

I grew a unibrow at this moment.

I killed every last one. At a certain point, I just started picking them up and throwing them in a trashbag that was filled with noxious fumes. I knew I needed to remove my sheets and duvet cover from the bed since fly-type things were rubbing all up on it. Removing my sheets from the bed is the equivalent of a fucking three-act play production, hence my unwillingness to do it more than once every month (and by "month," I mean "2 months," and by "2 months," I mean "never"). I then emptied out my room and wet-jet swiffered it, which I hadn't done in forever. I was goaded into it by all the dead fly-type bodies littered on my floor, they were mocking me and my unwillingness to clean. At this point, I felt slightly bad for the act I had just committed:

But, after cleaning it all up, I quickly forgot all about mourning my new found violent leanings and the annihilation of a species of fly-type things and instead, snuggled my cat:

Oh California, I love you.

Summer in a nutshell

Back to school, sigh.

Nothing like a poet getting a huge body tattoo of another poet.

Ramadan-a-ling

Today at work.

Coworker #1: Let's get lunch together! We haven't done that in a long time.
Coworker #2: I can't. I'm doing Ramadan.
Coworker #1: What is that?
Coworker #2: Hey Kleine! He doesn't know what Ramadan is!!!
Kleine: You don't know what Ramadan is? What's wrong with you?
Coworker #1: I'm sorry... I don't listen to hip hop.

Serious laughter ensued.

Updated to include conversation from later that day:
Kleine: Were you referencing the South Park movie earlier?
Coworker #1: Yeah, I was. Nice catch! I was just joking around... I totally know what Rosh Hashanah is.
Kleine: It's Ramadan!

Song of the CENTURY

Over the past weekend, Dodo made me watch this music video:



At the time, I just stared at the screen--wide-eyed--not really sure what to make of it. Once Monday rolled around, I decided I needed to watch it again. After watching it a second time, I felt it necessary to do some research, to understand what was going on. Let me tell you that this music video has snowballed into an obsession. I've watched it at least a dozen times. I can't stop laughing when I watch it and every time I do, I catch something new and more ridiculous about it.

So, please allow me to deconstruct this masterpiece.

Let's start with the basics.
Who: The video stars a young blogger/ model from Harajuku named Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (apparently also known as Carrie).
What: This is Kyary's first single called PONPONPON from her debut album entitled "Moshi Moshi Harajuku." This is produced by Time Warner Music Japan by some hot shot Japanese music artist. And if you want the lyrics, which are hysterical, you can find them at the bottom of this page.
Where: Harajuku. Which, for those who don't know, is a very fashionably transgressive part of Japan. It's a city where fashions get started and many designers look to the area for inspiration, as youths come out with different, albeit wacky, ideas for fashion and dress accordingly. Kyary was one of these youths and (from what I can tell) was a fashionista blogger.
When: This video came out about 2 weeks ago... so despite the seemingly weak graphics, THIS IS BRAND SPANKIN' NEW.
How: I'm not totally sure, but what I can tell you, is that this video is really not at all over-the-top for Harajuku. This is just how art is done, it's all pretty much fashion-based. Just cray cray for us.   
Why: Because the world was down on its knees, begging for it.

Now, let's get down to business.* In a probably vain attempt to make sense of this video, I will point some things out with visual aids.

We have two girls in the video. One dancing with pigtails (shall now be simply known as Pigtails), one with a pink face (Pink). My first theory is that Pink is somehow controlling what's going on with Pigtails... perhaps Pink is her brain causing these hallucinations? Or is just a manifestation of a child's mind (and by child, I mean, person tripping ballz)?

Evidence:

Birds: Flyin' out her mouf.

BAM: Birds comin' through the window.

Eyeballs: Rollin' out her mouf.

BOOM: She's hanging out with eyeballs!

Next theory: Pigtails represents the erratic and often changeable moods of children. Sometimes she's having a grand ole' time--making faces and dancing--other times she's taking herself a little too seriously with weird hand gestures (teenager perhaps?).

Evidence:

All surrious.

Wacky faces. What a crazy kid!

Oh shit. Time for serious bidness. You can tell by the hand--it looks serious.

Farting Art, happier times.

Here's an interesting combo: serious hand gesture, yet she's slyly picking her nose--what a jokester!

Srsly guyz. SRSLY.

Final Theory: Clearly inspired by the 90s... childhood of the generation now entering adulthood? People making this video grew up in the 90s? Childhood, adulthood, manifestation, monomania, discombobulation, and other academically-weighty words?

Evidence:

Mac and Cheese reigned supreme in the 90s. And you see that little box of Golden Grahams? WHO EATS THAT ANYMORE? (Answer: Nobody).

That skull is totally reminiscent of the designs on the coolest Pogs.

Holy shit! LISA FRANK.

Last, but not least, I need to list off what Pink is wearing on her head.

Nurse Barbie, Plastic Bird, Grapes, Strawberry, Banana

Bone, Bird Wing, Butterfly, as well as the above.

Plastic Panther, Giant Flower, along with above.

The one part of the video that I sincerely cannot even imagine what it "symbolizes" is this:

Clap for bread.

Other interpretations are more than welcome (as mine were utter and complete bullshit). LET'S DECONSTRUCT THIS TOGETHER. But, I think the best theory is that people are just batshit cray cray and like to experiment with psychedelic drugs and then make videos of what they see to share with humanity.

Regardless of what it all means, this song has made it onto my youtube work playlist.
Basically, I listen to it.
Daily.

*Note: Only cool people, after reading that sentence, would start singing the song from Mulan in their heads.

This is Love

Lairin and I often gchat. And by often, I mean, always. We are basically a married couple, but it's long distance. She's near the beach and I'm still in LA. Weekends are our only times together. Thus, we resort to gchat. We discuss the events of our day, even as they are happening.

Last night, I was telling Lairin of someone's disappointing behavior towards me. Her response:

I am...
not pleased.
knee caps
gonna get all broken up
in this joint. *

Now, THAT is poetry!

*Each line represents the content of each separate instant message.