Peeps Are Evil

If you read my previous post, you may remember that I have some strong ideas about the candy and confections I choose to have in my life. I make no apologies for this. What you may not know is that I have equally strong ideas about candies I would wish out of existence if possible.

Number Two reason why houses get egged on Halloween
(right behind handing out toothbrushes).

But Easter is the worst time for me in relation to candy, because each year I am faced with the possibility that I will be confronted by the wall-eyed gaze of the yellow monster they call a "Peep."

dun-dun-duuuhn!

This candy frightens the bejeezus out of me. First of all, I have been told by multiple people that this candy is supposed to resemble a baby chicken or "chick." Friends, this is what a chick looks like:

that's adorable.

This is what a peep looks like:

Ahhhhh! Kill it! Kill it!

In no way do these two things look alike. The only explanation I have is that the guy who invented Peeps decided he wanted to create something that looked like a little baby chick which had been involved in some sort of  HORRIBLE CHEMICAL ACCIDENT...and the chemicals melted its body into something vaguely resembling a turd dusted in yellow glitter.


Run, little guy! He's totally going to melt the shit out of you!

And, second of all, if it was the creator's goal to present horribly disfigured chicks as a festive holiday candy, then he should have named it something more appropriate than "Peeps." Something like "Ouches" or "Make It Stops." Anyway, every year, people send me links to the some sort of Peeps Contest or another. And yesterday a dear friend sent me a link to a Peeps cake:


I'm pretty sure this is the exact cake they serve for birthdays in Hades.

 This friend (who has a love for Peeps that is the exact inverse of my revulsion) also pointed out to me that Peeps have a very positive message. I'm willing to concede this point, but I ask you all to consider the following facts. Fact the first: Peeps are made of only four ingredients, and yet they do not dissolve in water, acetone, or basically anything except concentrated sulfuric acid. Seriously! This person tested it!

And, fact the second: Even when they used sulfuric freaking acid, the eyes of this hellbeast remained!


So the devil can watch you.

It's as if the chemical accident (mentioned above) created an indestructible evil super-villian filled with mallow. Apparently they are so mysterious that there is a scientific study dedicated to trying to figure them out. Anyway, do what you need to do this Easter season, but don't try to get me involved with this madness.

Peeps in their natural state.

xoxo
zuzu