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| Am I the only one who suddenly feels like America has every right to waterboard the shit out of people? |
And here's a shocker: Now I never want to even let my hypothetical kids anywhere near a parade lest they grow up all Gingrich-y.
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| Sorry, Newt, but I'm pretty sure even your mom kind of hates your face. |
I mean, I actually love the United States a lot. When I am not in the country, I am constantly reminded how great it is that I was born here, how wonderful it is to have the rights I have, and how awesome it is that I get to write a blog where I get to tell conservative assclowns to check before they wreck. (I usually only have these feelings while I am abroad, because I spend most of my time in the country thinking about how I have no rights because I'm a lesbian, and nobody reads my blog). Clearly, however, I don't think that appreciating my nation of origin requires me to regard the Constitution as anything but a living document, or vote the straight Republican ticket. So how come parades make you grow up Republican? Is it all parades? Or do different Parades result in different outcomes? If, for example, you go to the Thanksgiving Day Parade will you grow up to have a balloon fetish?
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| Can all this be explained by a close encounter with the giant Snoopy balloon? |
I have never been to a parade (if you exclude parades that involve drag queens, and girls with faux-hawks and lip piercings). And now I am wondering if I had gone to a Fourth of July Parade, would my entire life be different? Would I own a bunch of sweater-sets and enjoy the company of small dogs that fit into my purse? Would I tell people that global warming is a liberal ghost-story, and would I listen to Bill O'Reilly more intently than I listen to my pastor? (In this scenario, I also go to church, apparently).
I don't know, friends. I just don't know. But I'm glad I don't have to find out.
xoxo
zuzu
It's probably because a 4th of July Parade in Arizona would have killed more people than it was worth.
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