Fresh Breath Is A Priority In My Life

Alright, I'll say it: I'm fucking terrified of the dentist. Yes, I'm afraid! So afraid that I had to cuss! Cuss on the Interwebs! Where cusses basically become etched in stone and follow you around for life! Now I can never run for President, dentist!

Just don't say the F-word and you'll be golden in 2012.

I'm so scared of the dentist that I didn't go to the dentist for approximately 5 years. Maybe longer. How can you expect me to remember when I have put all this effort into forgetting that I have ever even been to a dentist? At first I made all the typical excuses. "I'm really busy" or "I can't afford it" or "I've suddenly gained the ability to fly and need to concentrate on crafting an appropriate superhero costume."

(Not pictured: Me flying behind this guy and holding up his cape.)

Then I went to law school, and for three years I didn't have any dental coverage. There was an option of going to get "free" dental work at a local dental school. But I am already scared enough of the dentist, and I didn't want some baby dentist poking around in my mouth, and pulling teeth by accident.

No, it's cool. I probably didn't need that one anyway. I've got like 30 in here or something.

Also, the physical experience of going to the dentist is pretty close to my idea of hell. You're trapped in a chair, under bright lights, and people poke you in the mouth with sharp pointy objects. So instead of going to the dentist, I bought a Sonicare toothbrush and kept my fingers crossed. This worked really well until about two weeks ago when one of my teeth started hurting.



Apparently Sonicare toothbrushes are not capable of magic.

So I told Sparks about it, and she said to make an appointment with a dentist. Now, Sparks was raised by a dentist (and a lawyer) so pretty much she has brass balls about dental work (and pretty much everything else). I tried to co-opt some of her bravado, and, using my state provided health insurance, I made an appointment. But it turned out that I should never have listened to her, because after five years (or more) of neglect, I only had one cavity! And it wasn't even that bad! And it wasn't even in the tooth that hurt!

I'm pretty sure that this is evidence that my teeth are some sort of legends in the making. Willy Nelson is probably writing a folk-hero ballad about them right now.

Now, what rhymes with "tooth?"

One of the few places in my area that accepted this particular "budget" health insurance is in a fairly bad neighborhood in Boston. But in my mind, I thought that this fact didn't need to mean that I would get sub-par care. And then I scolded myself for even considering it a possibility. But the dentist was really shady. He told me some weird things. Like this gem: "If you yawn, your mouth will freeze and you will end up in the emergency room, so don't yawn. It has happened before."

For the love of all that is holy, somebody call a doctor!

He also told me my tooth hurt because my gums were receding. Which is like a receding hairline but about 900 times more gross. His proposed solution was to "seal the root." And then he proposed that he do this with 3 other teeth, too. And then he proposed he do this with silver fillings. He was telling me all these things while poking his sharp pointy thing into the area of the tooth that hurt over and over again. He kept doing this not out of necessity, but to underscore whatever point he was trying to make. I didn't want to look like a wimp, but at one point I realized that I had clenched my fists so hard that my nails were digging into my palms pretty bad. Needless to say I didn't understand almost anything he was saying because of the pain, claustrophobia, and anxiety. So I took the estimate for the work he was recommending (which despite sounding like something out of Dickens, somehow costs a way more than a "sixpence"). I said would call to schedule an appointment for the rest of the work.

And then I left.

And, you guys...I am never going back there.

Sparks is helping me strategize finding another dentist, but suggestions are appreciated. After Dodo's post about her dentist, I am beginning to believe that absolute fear and distrust are the only way to make it out of a dental appointment alive.

xoxo
zuzu