I H8 Huckabees

Ever since Bush was elected during the first election where I was actually old enough to vote (thereby destroying my belief in humanity), I have had what I like to refer to as "republican blindness." I think it's similar to what happens to the people on those awesome hoarding shows that seem to be on whenever I am quilting ("Buried Alive: Extreme Animal Hoarding Intervention: The Block" is a personal favorite). The psychoanalyst types on the shows always say the same thing: "At this point Jimmy can't even see the feline carcasses decomposing all around him. It's as if they don't exist...as if they never existed." Whatever trauma occurred to prompt the hoarding in the first place is aided and abetted by the ability to look at a molting pile of newspapers from 1925 and see something else.



What we see.

 



What Jimmy sees.

 

My point is I do the same thing with republicans. I find them so overwhelming and unavoidable, that I simply cannot see them.




What you see.



  

What I see.



 

Some part of my brain knows that a cute little puppy would never go around spouting anti-semitism while engaging in a mutual mental masturbation session with the latest conservative pundit to don a bowtie. But the louder part of my brain says "Look a puppy! Bellyruuuuuuuuuub!" Anyhoo, this is all to say, that when I read this article about how Mike Huckabee claimed that President Obama was raised in Kenya, I suddenly regained my republican sight...and it was a sight horrifying to behold.






My republican blindness has manifested itself with particular strength regarding Huckabee...I think because he scares me the most. Literally everytime I hear his name I think of the movie I Heart Huckabees and then I start thinking about what happens in a meadow at dusk (answer: everything). And then I curl up and nap for five minutes. But his brand of crazy finally forced its way through my protective candy shell.




Not even you could save me, Jason Schwartzman.

 
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MIKE HUCKABEE! I mean, really. I don't get it. At first I thought maybe there was a city in Hawaii also named Kenya, because only an idiot would imply that Obama was raised in Kenya the country.



Fact: None of the cities in Hawaii are named "Kenya"...but they are all fun to say.



Then I thought: Maybe he is referring to the birth certificate thing that pretty much has been dispelled about 800 times. But Huckabee clarified that theory pretty quickly (hinting that the Clintons are the new KGB in the process).  In the midst of my ponderings, some sort of Huckabee minion decided to explain that what Huckabee actually meant was "Indonesia." Which is not Kenya, for those keeping track.


 

I fucking love maps.


Oh, now I see, Mike Huckabee! You meant Indonesia both times you said "Kenya." You must also have meant "Dutch" instead of "British" when you were alluding to colonial rule in "Indonesia." And I guess when you said that bizarre thing about Winston Churchill's bust being returned to the British, what you really meant was Queen Wilhelmina's bust being returned to the Dutch.



Give her a cigar and they could be twins.



I totally get it now. You were absolutely not trying to cast doubt in any way, shape, or form on the President's dedication to the country, his identity as an "American," or his capacity to handle foreign relations. You were just talking about the few years he spent in Indonesia as a child. Well okay then.




Whoever told you this was a good idea is not your real friend.


xoxo
zuzu